I wish I could run all the time.

That feeling when my heart is pumping and blood is rushing makes me feel so alive.

I wish my heart would beat that hard for my Lord every hour of the day.

I never want to be comfortable again.

To sum up my mission trip to Tanzania in a few words, it was the best two weeks of my life. And although everyone is telling me that the high will come and go, it's going on two weeks and I'm still pretty damn high. Because I can still see clearly how depraved I am and I'm clinging to God with everything I have.

Tanzania was a struggle. It was freaking hard. I'm not good with kids, I'm not good at Swahili, and hell, I'm not even good at loving my church members. But God showed me in spite of my shortcomings, He is good. So I'm just gonna do what I do best, just jump in. Act the fool, be undignified, because we're not supposed to live a glorious life. We're living all for His glory. And I'm learning to let go, bit by bit, more of myself. And I firmly believe that until I can completely surrender myself to Him, I'm not going to be able to be used as He wishes to use me.

I'm struggling every moment of every day, beginning to end. And it's so tiring. This week has been super stressful. So many things have gone wrong. I want to put myself in isolation, to run to worldly things that'll numb the pain for a moment. But I'm finally starting to break for what matters. I find myself wanting to pour myself out for others. So I want to feel every ounce of suffering, every ounce of pain. Satan, bring it. I'm a sinner, I deserve everything that's coming. But God's gonna pull through, like He has been this week for me.

Mark 3:5 -> And he looked around at them with anger, grieved at their hardness of heart, and said to the man, "Stretch out your hand." He stretched it out, and his hand was restored.

Right now, this is how I feel. The hardness of hearts in America, that includes me and everyone around me, infuriates me. And I want to cry out and reach out to God that he would restore our hearts so that we can enjoy just everything as it was meant to be. I pray that He may take away distractions and allow us to focus on Him.

So as I titled this blog, I don't want to be comfortable. I'm actually starting to get comfortable with being uncomfortable.

Rejoicing in my Imperfection

I've really wanted to write this out for a while. One night as I was praying, I was SO grateful to God. That while I, we all, are imperfect He is perfect. Everything God is, He does, is just so perfect. As I go through the Bible, verse by verse, chapter by chapter, book by book, it just fits together. The Bible just works. It has a flow and consistency that I have never stopped to appreciate before. God knows we're weak that we're gonna fail. It's not like he's just waiting to punish us, but each time he points to the perfect solution/salvation in Christ. If He wanted to, he could have put an end to our pitiful existence at any point in history. Despite it all, He is sovereign over all and shows us that our imperfections cannot flaw HIS story. As much as I just wanna scream and cry out sometimes to God to fix my never-ending flaws, I sit hit here thanking Him. That because of all my imperfections and flaws I can worship a God so perfect and just constantly cling to Him day after day.

In this moment, I am so humbled by how utterly useless I am. I don't excel in anything. I do enough to get by at work, in relationships, in serving, sports, etc. I fall short in my words and my actions. But despite it all, I wanna do everything for my Lord. I hope that somehow through my imperfect walk that God you are walking with me, just doing Your awesome works. God, will you just lift me up so that I will not be a burden and a hindrance to people in their walk and coming before you. In my imperfect ways, I want to do everything I possibly can for You. I want to totally live and die for You. I'm all in.

I should just shut up sometimes and only use the Word of God. Because the author captures it far better than I ever could.

Psalms 115:1 ->Not to us, O LORD, not to us
but to your name be the glory,
because of your love and faithfulness.

Maybe I'm crazy...

But I get inspiration from crazy things sometimes. How to Train Your Dragon was awesome. But when the main character takes flight I began to think why does man want to fly? It's such a prevalent theme in movies: Avatar, Iron Man, the Matrix, the list goes on and on. Throughout history, it's been such a mystery and the whole world was watching when man first landed on the moon. But we are limited to the sky, to space.

I did some random googling and one person says that man wants to be in control. They want to fly because they want to break free from restraints and limitations. I know I'm not in control, but I want to fly too~

^{Isaiah 40: 30-31: Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.}

The Bible is one ridiculously amazing book. He knows our every thought and every emotion. He knows of man's desire to fly and He is the one who enables us to do so! God, I just wanna fly. Take me higher and higher. I'm not gonna walk through this life, I'm gonna soar because God wants me to.

My Story is just Beginning...

It's late. I'm tired. But I've been putting stuff off a lot lately so let me put some pen to paper (or more like fingers to keyboard). I was listening to a Tim Keller sermon during work yesterday (I think it was...it could've been Piper). But anywho, Dr. Keller explains how many people speak of JR Tolkien's literature the Hobbit and the Lord of the Rings interchangeably. However, the Hobbit is more of a children's story; it is an adventure. The Lord of the Rings is grander in scale, it's a quest! While an adventure is a one and done event, a quest forever changes you and defines who you become. This was such a great illustration of our walk of faith. The world writes off Christianity and other religions as roller-coaster rides that are interchangeable for one another. But we know better, our God has not left us blind to the truth of the matter. Our faith in Christ is one amazing quest: we will face peril, we will persevere, we have our ultimate goal, and we already know His victorious ending.

While writing this up, I'm actually reminded of a John Piper sermon I heard today. The text he refers to is Hebrews 5:11-14 (ESV, gotta love BibleGateway.com):

¹¹About this we have much to say, and it is hard to explain, since you have become dull of hearing. ¹²For though by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you again the basic principles of the oracles of God. You need milk, not solid food, ¹³for everyone who lives on milk is unskilled in the word of righteousness, since he is a child. ¹⁴But solid food is for the mature, for those who have their powers of discernment trained by constant practice to distinguish good from evil.

Man, this strikes me. I used to serve in my old church, teaching bible study to youth group students. But what a failure of a teacher I was. While the Word was not alive and powerful to me, while none of this convicted me, I tried to read it aloud and teach. It's one of my biggest regrets. At least now I am listening, slowly learning to hear and obey. I'm getting fed each day. And I can't wait for him to give me another opportunity.

"Milk, drink that milk. Eat the Word and get strong." Isn't it amazing how biblical our old Sunday School songs were? I used to think, what the deuce does milk have to do with God. But I can see now I was the fool, that God clearly uses milk as an illustration of how He uses such measures to nurture us and feed us. Thank you Lord for making your wisdom known to us. Humble us, enlighten us, and allow us to see You speaking to us (as juvenile or simple it may seem at the moment).

I seek Wisdom given from Heaven, not from man...

I have a long-standing relationship with the book of Proverbs. It started in high school (or maybe it goes as far back as middle school?), where my dad told me to read a chapter a day and to write down notes. I thought it was retarded, annoying, and just another pointless thing he wanted me to do. But recently on my own I remembered this and try to do this when I have a moment. How sweet are lessons of wisdom that are taught by God, rather than man? And sadly, every time there is a "do not be..." or "cursed is/are the man wicked" sentence...I sadly find that fit that mold. Lazy, slandering, prideful, loudmouthed, being tempted by the world, etc. And in those moments of self-loathing, I realize that these wise men of old were suffering through the same afflictions.

Someone like Solomon, who was the wisest and richest man of his day tells us that even though he literally had everything the world had to offer that it doesn't even compare to what God freely offers us. And we all know that as wise as Solomon was, he fell b/c of his affinity for women. I always asked myself, "what good is wisdom if the wisest man fell too?" But Solomon states it quite clearly in Proverbs 1:7:

"The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge; fools despise wisdom and instruction."

This fear, this wisdom is just the beginning. As I have been learning in discipleship, a lack of proper thinking (or as I understand without us truly using our minds, which are attuned to think like that of our God) that any study of the Bible or Theology will be in vain. And I feel as if I'm starting to get things. It's taken me 10+ years to even begin enjoying the Bible for what it is, my God's, our God's awesome truth revealed to unworthy ones such as us. As my love and hunger for his Word grows, I pray for more humility, more faith, and more wisdom.

Reflection of Psalms

The Book of Psalms is a very interesting one. The Scriptures contain books of laws, prophets/prophecy, proverbs, the writings of apostles, epistles, etc. But the Book of Psalms is a compilation of 150 instances of poems, prayers. What did I feel that I saw as a consistent theme across them all? Obviously the first is that God is good. Another major one is that we are weak (and therefore oppressed by the world, enemies, THE ENEMY) and constantly need to cry out to God and cling to his precious Word for sustenance. I think this was a reminder to me that we're constantly under attack. Sometimes I tend to lower my guard b/c I'm comfortable with certain ppl (because of a social connection or simply because they attend church/are self-professing Christians). In my workplace, I see SO MANY ppl (basically everyone in the office) just burdened, burned out, stressed out, every negative out possible. I went in with an attitude to just be gung-ho, to be a light in my workplace. However, knowing my work ethic (in it's current state at least), it's going to be difficult to do that. Today I am reminded that it's not all fun and games, that our lives are a battlefield. I think I have identified some people that I can be an encouragement to and even some that have outright discussed their faith with me and not surprisingly they are the people that I sit next to. God's been changing my prayers in all aspects as of late and I pray that God will use me in my workplace, not being enslaved at work to ppl who don't speak English.

The biggest problem with Korean Christians is that they say 열심이하네요 (you work very hard) in the church context. This work based concept reduces the saving grace of God and it's even something that my parents have realized as of late and repented of. People in my workplace define themselves by the time they spend in work. If that is the case, that I am defined by which I invest the most time in, may that be in God. And I pray not to become like a Pharisee, but that as I delve into Him my passion for Him may grow.

Finally, the Psalms are constantly praising God. But the last few put a definite emphasis on that praise. Psalm 148, the author is calling all of creation to praise the Maker. But man in this day and age seeks to become a maker on his own, may that be religion, empires, money, and so on. May God humble me day by day and may He be revealed to me more and more each day. And may that not go to waste, but let that be put into action in my life and in the life of those around me.

Psalm 136:1

Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever.

Amen to that.